Obscene

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What did I do wrong? 

I get this perpetual feeling of incompleteness. I find myself stuck between the cobwebs of my own thoughts. 

Oh Lord! What is my fault?? Why cannot I relax for a moment, why cannot I feel my pain fading away, why cannot I feel my heart beating? 

I am sick of trying times and again.

I cannot do that anymore. I am lost and broken. 

I want to scream out loud a thousand of words, tell someone how I feel and what I am going through. 

But then I realize does anyone give a Fuck about that? Will that take away all the misery I am facing right now?

I don’t want money, lust, love, or anything. All I want is to be happy. I want to see myself laughing and giggling, not just to cover the sadness but to show how content and satisfied I feel. 

Oh Lord! What did I do wrong? Why can’t I feel anything anymore? 

Is it something very much to demand? Well I don’t know! And I call it a CLOSURE.

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Some days! 

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Cigarettes!! 

While waiting for you. I took out my cigarette box and lit one of the cigarettes. While puffing the smoke out, I got intrigued by this feeling,  whether I am taking the puffs of this cigarette or the cigarette is burning me down. 

I waited, I calculated, and then I realized that it’s too late to quit smoking. After a lot of thoughts rushing through my mind, I threw that cigarette in the ash tray. 

That half button cigarette was too alluring . yes that little piece of shit was drawing my attention, it was calling me back, asking me to put it back between my lips. 

But all I did was nothing but resisting. I stopped myself, I warned myself to go back. I knew I was falling into the grave and there was no one who could pull me back. Lastly, with a sore heart, I saw that one burning down to the end. 

I was all relaxed, congratulated myself on winning the war. So I got back into my zone, calmly, feeling like an emperor of a fucking dynasty. Everything was going good… All said and done. 

Suddenly my wrecked heart reminded of you.. Reminded me of all the feelings, emotions, impacts, and consequences. Well, I think I need to light another one to stop these feeling. So, here I am, sitting with my second one, waiting for you to come, till both my cigarette and I turn into ash! 
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